hardness
Well.
What a bunch of self-pitying bullshit that was. ::snicker::
While there was truth to it, a day later it feels like writing that isn't more than empty calories, as it were. It felt good to articulate the notion, elaborating a bit on it, and — this is key — concealing the coagulant particulars...
...but, at the end of the day (yesternight, and 24 hours later) I can see how truly dimwitted it was; I suppose it validated its own damn self, one might say. Not to bury the lede: also at the end of the day there are things better left unsaid. WAY better left. ;p
Nevertheless. One must cut one's own dubious uncertainty with the adamantine sharpness of a cognitive kris. One must consciously question the often hallucinatory quality of one's perfervid imaginings about this, that, and them. Was that really a slight, or a random confluence of technical bug•gery and coincidental word•happenstance? The day's unsettled conclusion, in hindsight, is a surreal mess of neurosis and half-baked psychologizing. One must flay one's risible demons, expunging them with the fire of wit and wonder.
There is only so much time.
There are excellent movies to see, sonorous music to breathe in, formidable books to dive into and plumb for their hidden wisdoms, walks at which to meditate and seethe in the glorious, qualic, elemental, and so forth and so on. Life is too fucking short to wallow in the kind of privileged, self-indulgent spittlefleck occasioned by an existential taunt, imagined or otherwise.
It is the spectral dimness of nautical twilight at dawn as I write this, having recently emerged from a dream in which I saved someone from drowning, or at least it seemed that way while in the reverie itself. Not long from now the sun will rise again, in the east. Always in the east. Hard light will once again touch the skin of land and ground in the last light of my notional time; and, like always, I will walk, in the sere and settled aloofness of my being, content, embattled, unsunk and unsung.
::chuckle::
[ self-flagellation, unironically, in progress... ]
{ the usual image or images to settle in here, later }